Back

Hey guys....wow...been a while huh? Uh well, it's been a long, hard 2 years I'll say that much. So, let me tell you what happened since I've left you...

First off...that fiance I mentioned several times? Her name (yes I said her) was Elise. She was a friend from high school (well actually I guess you could say someone I sort of knew) and I reconnected with her right before I deployed to Iraq in 2009. It was great to have her back in my life again I guess. Boy how I wish I had NEVER answered that email that she'd sent me while I was in Camp Blanding, FL...asking if we could talk sometime. Anyway, I left, I came home in Sept. on leave, and we uh did the dirty deed....only problem was, she was still dating her boyfriend Charlie at the time. (yeah Elise, I'm posting every damn dirty detail on here so everyone will know the truth) Anyway, she stayed with him, she ended up telling him after I'd gone back in country that we'd slept together. When I came to Ft Bragg for treatment in October she came to see me several times and among the many activities we did, we continued to...yep you guessed it sleep together. Anyway a little after Thanksgiving she FINALLY decided to tell Charlie she wanted to come to NC and be with me and in January 2010 she did just that....let me again express how I wish I'd just left her in West Virginia. Anyway we lived in NC until about July when I was seperated from the Army and we ended up in Annapolis MD. THIS is where shit really hit the fan. By Sept she'd had me commited in the John Hopkins Hospital mental ward, when I got out in the beginning of October I was forced to come back to my parents in Morgantown. I managed to make it back up to Annapolis by November where at this time it was revealed to me that Elise had had unprotected sex with our mutual "friend" Matt not once but TWICE while I was in Morgantown (yeah you forgot this detail of the story when you told it to all of our friends huh?) I should have left then but no because by this time she'd convinced me (and I'd probably convinced myself) that I couldn't live without her. Anyway, I was back in Morgantown by December. Elise came to see me for Christmas and it seemed like we were getting back on track. Wrong. January I made the 4 hour drive to see her for a day then came back to Morgantown. I did the same in Feb the day after the Super Bowl because it was her birthday. It seemed fine. A week later she deleted me off Facebook, stopped returning my calls, called my mother to tell me she was leaving me and that was that.

Needless to say the rest of 2011 sucked for me. I can't really go into it not because I don't want to but because I was in such a deep state of depression that I can't really remember the rest of it. Plus remember that all this time I was going untreated for PTSD so add that to the mix....and I was a ticking time bomb. In the summer of 2011 I was such a danger to myself and others that my family forced me to check myself into the VA psych ward in Clarksburg WV to get help. I did. I was there for almost a month but I was 120% better and I will always be grateful to everyone there for well, I'll just say it, saving my life. 2012 got A LOT better because I finally met the love of my life, my wife, Traci.

There we are, on our wedding day, March 5th 2012. Anyway life is good and I'm back. So, more to come!

Betrayed

So the one Sgt that I have depended on, my mentor, my friend and the one I wanted to model my career after has decided to abandoned me. She couldn't even tell me in person or on the phone for that matter. No, I got a Facebook message, saying "I cannot describe my hatred for you. You have made my life miserable, and I have never not wanted to see or talk to someone in my entire life...except you" Great way to start off your day, huh? Guess it's time to stand on my own two feet and make my career MY career.

The situation with the in-laws hasn't gotten any better, if anything, it's gotten worse. Not only are they treating me like that toilet bowl of crap I mentioned in my last post, they're treating my fiance' (THEIR OWN CHILD!) the exact same way. There is still stuff in my fiances apartment back in WV, and instead of helping, they've disowned the both of us, and now MY parents are having to clean this apartment out. We're getting DAILY phone calls from them now, telling us we're unreliable, completely irresponsible, all kinds of nasty stuff. I've tried and tried to be nice, but the insults to me are still coming, and NOW they've started to insult my parents who are helping us and I've finally lost it. The worse part of it is after they've spent two solid hours on the phone saying all these nasty things about me, Shelley (my fiance's mother) says "I hope Jen isn't mad at me, because I have nothing against her" and all I can think is "Are you f-ing kidding me? I've just sat here for TWO HOURS listening to you tell me what a piece of shit I am, yeah I'm mad. You may have nothing against Jen, but Jen sure as hell as something against YOU!"

I'm so tired of this. I have no idea what to do about it anymore. I guess the best is just to wait it out

Frustration, and all the crap that goes with it

Sometimes, live just feels like one big toilet of crap. And that's kind of how mine has felt lately. The nightmares are more frequent, the sleep is less and less, the meds are making me sick beyond belief and sometimes the only comfort is my fiance and my dog. Oh, and the PS3.

The soon-to-be in laws are driving me up the f-ing wall, almost literally. I'm crazy, I'm unreliable, I have a weird fungus on my feet (I'm not sure if they know this, but I bet they've said it once or twice)....you name it, and this family has probably said it about me.....but none of it TO me (well, to either of us for that matter) But they're all HAPPY to sit there and smile to my face, and then as SOON as I leave whatever house they're at, let the crucifixtion begin. Stupid stupid people, but I guess it wouldn't be a real engagement if I actually LIKED my in laws, would it?

I feel worse and worse everyday about all of this, certainly not to the point that I'm going to hurt myself or anyone (although I did try to strangle a pillow last night...hmmm I should probably go apologize to it. Oh my God, I'm actually considering apologizing to a pillow....maybe I really am going crazy...no one asked you honey) but still.

Well, one more appointment to go and then I think I'll take good ol' reliable loving Ty to the Bark Park.

Until later I suppose

Biloxi Round 2

How's it going folks? Treatment here...well it could be better. I don't feel as though I've made any progress and am currently fighting the buearacrcy that is the United States Army... we'll see how it goes.

On an up side note, I will be making the trip to Biloxi yet again in a few short weeks. I'm looking forward to the time away from Ft Bragg as well as the opportunity to once again share some laughs with a few friends, as well as help plenty of people who need it. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated.

Home again...but for how long?

So I'm back home, and the more I sit in Ft Bragg, the more restless I become. I talk to guys from my unit almost daily on Facebook, and its frustrating, because here I am, getting ready to take 16 days for Christmas leave, go see my family and spend time with my brand spankin' new fiance' (YES, congratulate me later) and yet, there they are, sitting in the desert, hoping that maybe they'll get a package from their family, friends, wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, on time. I can't STAND this anymore. So I'm going back. Voluntarily. This time it'll be Afghanistan. I have the opportunity of leaving as soon at Jan 14th, and I think I may take it. Drop out of the treatment, leave my job, and just go. Because lets face it, who needs me here and what good am I sitting in Ft Bragg NC?

Baby, please, forgive me.....

War and the after effects

So I'm home after my tour in Iraq and am currently in Ft Bragg for treatment for PTSD and despression. And while I am happy to see my friends (or at least the few I've seen) and it's nice to be back in the "real world" I miss my unit and my guys terribly. Leaving them behind is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life, but I had to do what was best for me.

Interesting things happen on Ft Bragg though. Take today for instance. I had the opportunity (and I must admit, the pleasure) of meeting one Gov. Sarah Palin. Folks, let me tell you, you will never meet a more personable, kind and likeable person. Not only did she shake my hand, but gave me a great big hug and thanked me for my service. Always appreciated. I have yet to read her new book, but I just may take a look at it.

I apologize for not updating this blog as I should have and I will be happy to post more on what happened in Iraq and my views on this war and how they've changed now that I've been there (and believe me, they have changed) once I feel up to it. For now, I am tired but wanted to let you know I was alive and safe.

Blessings and peace to you my friends and until we meet again.....

Ready to go....I think

Well, the countdown is down to DAYS (15 to be exact) and I'm somewhere between excited beyond belief....and scared shitless. It's an odd road to be at. Luckily it's normal. People (well, most) have been understanding, patient, and loving. Katherine has even given me plenty of advice on stuff to do and not do. Here are my favorite entry's of Katherine's DOs and DON'Ts of surviving a deployment in Iraq:
1) NEVER smile during a sandstorm
2) Chapstick is a good thing, but make sure you wipe it off before you go to the chow hall. Otherwise, you get a mouth full of sand when you take a drink.
3) Always make sure you tie a plastic bag around your boots when you air them out. Keeps the camel spider's out


I'm sure there will be more to come....


Signing out (For now, anyway)...............

Just keeps getting closer and closer

Well, the time is ticking away until my deployment. I can't believe we're leaving in a matter of WEEKS. It's just unbelievable. So far, my biggest asset, other than my family's love and support, has been the advice of my dear friend Katherine, a former Marine who served a tour over there in '06. Her advice and love has just been UNBELIEVABLE and completely 100% appreciated not to mention invaluable.

So my sister's birthday is this coming Friday, and all weekend was spent going to her play "Wonderful Town" It was great to be able to see her in her final performance.

Well, time to go spend more time with the family. Tick tock......

Floorboard nightmares

Ugh so this house had SO much work that its unbelievable.....the joists were ROTTING the house was just ready to collapse. We had to RAISE it up at least 6 inches, we had to tear up the floor and redo everything. Pictures up soon.....hopefully we can help this woman

Biloxi Blues

We made it down to D'ibberville, MS at about 1500 (again 3:00 PM for you civilians) Larry, Ron, Justin and I went to look at the house. There's a lot of work to be done, but it's def. do-able. We start tomorrow morning and I can't wait. We already have a plan to possibly get her some permanent power (I know, I can't believe it. 4 years and Vera STILL doesn't have permanent power. WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS FEMA DOING DOWN HERE EXACTLY?) and a way to fix her un-even floors. This should be a really really awesome.

Signing off for now. More to come.....

Rocky Top, TN

Well, today was the first day of our week long mission trip. Let me tell you, its already been a hoot. We left at 0700 (7 AM for you civilians) and were on our way. It was as follows(ROLL CALL): Myself, my Mother (Robin) Larry, Betty and Bob. We picked up Liz on the way down at Tamarack. This trip so far has been filled with nothing but hysterical laughter, jokes and good fellowship. We stopped in Chattanooga, TN for the night and will be on our way to Mississippi tomorrow morning.
Well, this is all for now. Stay tuned for our continuing adventure of laughter and fellowship!

Signing off (for now.....)

Happiness and a trip

You know when you have those moments when you just FEEL like you need a pick me up? Well I got one, in the form of a friendship I thought long gone.....RESTARTED!
Courtney and I met her senior year of high school. I instantly wanted to be her friend because she made me laugh and I always find that important. But she was young and so was I. I had things that I was dealing with that I didn't even REALIZE how big of an impact they had until recently. She didn't know how to handle them. Eventually, after too many fights and Courtney and I pushing each other away, the friendship ended...and not on good terms. Hurt, confused and heartbroken, I moved on. Sort of. I thought of her often and later learned she thought of me as well. It was a chance bump in that started this whole thing. We ran into each other, promised to call one another but never did. A few months later, I was told I was deploying to Iraq. I figured she deserved to hear it from me. Next thing I know, we're hanging out, having 7 hour convos on the phone (not kidding 7 HOURS) and it was just wow.

So Mom and I are leaving to go to Mississippi in 9 short hours to help rebuild a house for a woman who lost everything during Hurricane Katrina. This should be awesome and I have been psyched for this all month. I'll be sure to blog from there and let you know what's up.

This is all for now. Signing off

Life as I know it.....wish my friends did too....

Well, I should have know this would happen....
The other day, I was talking to my friend Kate and she kept saying I don't want you to go to Iraq. On New Year's Eve, my friend Emily told me that she thought it was selfish that I was going to Iraq. Obviously, she didn't get the memo that it's not a choice.....they tell you to go, they go.

More and more of my friends have been saying similar things to the ones that Kate and Emily told me. I was so mad the first time I heard them....but then I realized that maybe it wasn't their fault. I'm a soldier. I know that going to OIF or OEF is just part of my job, and I get used to it, so that when we get the announcement it's just like oh, well OK. Shame on me for not making sure that my buddies understood this too. Guess I didn't really talk to them about it. I just assumed they knew, and that's the worst thing ANY military person can do, assume a civilian understands us. Oops. Sorry guys.

Def. still excited about going however....it's coming fast....just a few short months away.

It just keeps getting closer

So, we had drill this weekend.....well more like drill WEEK, since it started on Wednesday and ended today, Sunday. We had all kinds of fun briefings, some of us did CLS (Combat Lifesaver) course, and then yesterday, we had our battalion Christmas party. It was really nice, big fancy golf course, our families were there, they even had Santa for the kids. Then, the drinking started at about 8. Oooh boy was THAT lovely. Some soldiers got in trouble, one got thrown out....all in all a typical soldier Christmas party, haha. But all in all, it was a good week, and it occurs to me that these last two years have been nothing but an adventure for me and my career. This time last year, I was getting ready to go to New Mexico for Operation Jump Start, and now I'm getting ready to deploy for OIF (Operation Iraqi Freedom) and it's just awesome. I'll tell you the one thing that does make me feel better and that's that my Sgt from OJS is coming with my unit. It's a huge comfort, because I know I can trust her with my life, because I have before.


More thoughts on the way as this exciting year winds down!

FINALLY!!!

Well, the rumors are over and the orders are officially here.....we're going to the desert!!!!! For OPSEC reasons, (operational security) I can't say when or exactly where, but it's pretty soon, and it'll be a good time!!! Can't wait!! WOO HOO

Good day turned to sucky day

So, today I was all happy....Obama won, and I was happy. I was having an awesome day. And then, once I got home from post, my mother passed out for no apparant reason (at least at this point) and is in the hospital at this very moment as we speak. So I had to go pick up my little sister, who instantly burst into tears the moment I told her (I wanted to myself) and right now all we can do is wait for Dad to call and tell us what's up. This sucks

Getting tired

So, today, I logged on to my Facebook account, hoping to have an e-mail from my friend in California. I had an e-mail all right, but it wasn't from Katy. It was yet another e-mail from somebody who had searched my name under the US Army network, and sent a message in Arabic, saying how they hated me, I deserved to go to hell, and hopefully I would die. And all I could think was "Are you serious?". Look, people, I understand that most of this country as well as other countries around the world hate the war in Iraq. Guess what? Me too. Here's a newsflash before you send me any other e-mails. I haven't been there. I might go there, sure, but haven't been there yet. I have never killed another person. I'm an Engineer, not infantry. So, how about you leave me alone, or better yet, start your own blog, let everyone know how you feel? Quit sending me fucking messages because I know you send them in Arabic because you figure "The stupid soldier won't be able to read it" Guess what, I can read Arabic. Nice try. Play again soon

Everyone knows I'm in over my head

You know, the other day, I went to my high school's homecoming and was part of the alumni band. More than a part of it, I was in charge of it. I did it because for the last two years when I did, it was fun. This year though, it sucked. None of my friends were there and the one person I had hoped to never see again in my life was. I mean, I sort of knew she was coming ahead of time, and I had talked to her about it over Facebook, and I really thought I could handle it. But the second she showed up, the second I had to see her in person, my composure, calmness and the walls I had built up over the last two years just crumbled. And I was defenseless. And if there's one thing I hate (especially as a soldier) it's feeling helpless. I wanted nothing more than for her to leave, but of course that wasn't going to happen. Jessica had just as much right to be there as I did.

But you know, as much as this bothered me on Friday, now that I think about it on Sunday, was it really that important? And why was I so upset that she came? It was what I wanted.....right? Yes and no. I wanted her to come because I wanted her to see how strong I had become. The only thing I could think of before homecoming was the lyrics to the chorus of that Pink song "So What?" For those of you who don't know it, here it is:
"So what?
I am a rockstar
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what?
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm all right
And you're a tool so
So what?
I am a rockstar
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you tonight"

So here it was. My chance to show her I was so much better off without her. So here she is and I'm all ready to show her. But guess what I found? A strong, happy Jessica, married going to school with her friends surrounding her. And what did she find? A weak Jen, lost, her friends not around her, scared because her future is either going to be very scary or not existant. Maybe I didn't want to prove anything to Jessica. Maybe I just wanted to prove something to myself. But no matter which it is, I failed. Miserably.

Politics, war and wives who just need to stay out of it

So, the other day, I'm watching CNN, minding my own business and Cindy McCain comes on. And then, I heard one of the most horrible thing that I have ever heard. Now, we've all heard some nasty things in this election, I try to ignore most of the insults and nasty things said because hey, that's politics, right? But, as a soldier, I could not help but tune into what Cindy McCain said: In a nutshell, she said that PTSD just didn't exist, that it was the soldier's own fault because they just needed to push past it. And the only thing that was going through my mind at that moment was "What the hell is this woman thinking?" Let me assure you friends, PTSD is very real, I have friends who have. I have friends who are so bad off after coming home that they can't sleep for more than an hour at a time, because they are plagued by nightmares of what they have seen. When they are awake, they drink to forget what they know, most of the times can't even function.
So after getting over my shock, all I could feel was anger. John McCain's son just went to Iraq, and I bet if he comes back with PTSD, all the sudden it would be real.

Folks, sometimes, I just don't know anymore. What has this world come to when instead of trying to treat PTSD, we tell the soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines that it's all in their head, that they just need to suck it up, drive on?