Everyone knows I'm in over my head

You know, the other day, I went to my high school's homecoming and was part of the alumni band. More than a part of it, I was in charge of it. I did it because for the last two years when I did, it was fun. This year though, it sucked. None of my friends were there and the one person I had hoped to never see again in my life was. I mean, I sort of knew she was coming ahead of time, and I had talked to her about it over Facebook, and I really thought I could handle it. But the second she showed up, the second I had to see her in person, my composure, calmness and the walls I had built up over the last two years just crumbled. And I was defenseless. And if there's one thing I hate (especially as a soldier) it's feeling helpless. I wanted nothing more than for her to leave, but of course that wasn't going to happen. Jessica had just as much right to be there as I did.

But you know, as much as this bothered me on Friday, now that I think about it on Sunday, was it really that important? And why was I so upset that she came? It was what I wanted.....right? Yes and no. I wanted her to come because I wanted her to see how strong I had become. The only thing I could think of before homecoming was the lyrics to the chorus of that Pink song "So What?" For those of you who don't know it, here it is:
"So what?
I am a rockstar
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what?
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm all right
And you're a tool so
So what?
I am a rockstar
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you tonight"

So here it was. My chance to show her I was so much better off without her. So here she is and I'm all ready to show her. But guess what I found? A strong, happy Jessica, married going to school with her friends surrounding her. And what did she find? A weak Jen, lost, her friends not around her, scared because her future is either going to be very scary or not existant. Maybe I didn't want to prove anything to Jessica. Maybe I just wanted to prove something to myself. But no matter which it is, I failed. Miserably.