Back

Hey guys....wow...been a while huh? Uh well, it's been a long, hard 2 years I'll say that much. So, let me tell you what happened since I've left you...

First off...that fiance I mentioned several times? Her name (yes I said her) was Elise. She was a friend from high school (well actually I guess you could say someone I sort of knew) and I reconnected with her right before I deployed to Iraq in 2009. It was great to have her back in my life again I guess. Boy how I wish I had NEVER answered that email that she'd sent me while I was in Camp Blanding, FL...asking if we could talk sometime. Anyway, I left, I came home in Sept. on leave, and we uh did the dirty deed....only problem was, she was still dating her boyfriend Charlie at the time. (yeah Elise, I'm posting every damn dirty detail on here so everyone will know the truth) Anyway, she stayed with him, she ended up telling him after I'd gone back in country that we'd slept together. When I came to Ft Bragg for treatment in October she came to see me several times and among the many activities we did, we continued to...yep you guessed it sleep together. Anyway a little after Thanksgiving she FINALLY decided to tell Charlie she wanted to come to NC and be with me and in January 2010 she did just that....let me again express how I wish I'd just left her in West Virginia. Anyway we lived in NC until about July when I was seperated from the Army and we ended up in Annapolis MD. THIS is where shit really hit the fan. By Sept she'd had me commited in the John Hopkins Hospital mental ward, when I got out in the beginning of October I was forced to come back to my parents in Morgantown. I managed to make it back up to Annapolis by November where at this time it was revealed to me that Elise had had unprotected sex with our mutual "friend" Matt not once but TWICE while I was in Morgantown (yeah you forgot this detail of the story when you told it to all of our friends huh?) I should have left then but no because by this time she'd convinced me (and I'd probably convinced myself) that I couldn't live without her. Anyway, I was back in Morgantown by December. Elise came to see me for Christmas and it seemed like we were getting back on track. Wrong. January I made the 4 hour drive to see her for a day then came back to Morgantown. I did the same in Feb the day after the Super Bowl because it was her birthday. It seemed fine. A week later she deleted me off Facebook, stopped returning my calls, called my mother to tell me she was leaving me and that was that.

Needless to say the rest of 2011 sucked for me. I can't really go into it not because I don't want to but because I was in such a deep state of depression that I can't really remember the rest of it. Plus remember that all this time I was going untreated for PTSD so add that to the mix....and I was a ticking time bomb. In the summer of 2011 I was such a danger to myself and others that my family forced me to check myself into the VA psych ward in Clarksburg WV to get help. I did. I was there for almost a month but I was 120% better and I will always be grateful to everyone there for well, I'll just say it, saving my life. 2012 got A LOT better because I finally met the love of my life, my wife, Traci.

There we are, on our wedding day, March 5th 2012. Anyway life is good and I'm back. So, more to come!

Betrayed

So the one Sgt that I have depended on, my mentor, my friend and the one I wanted to model my career after has decided to abandoned me. She couldn't even tell me in person or on the phone for that matter. No, I got a Facebook message, saying "I cannot describe my hatred for you. You have made my life miserable, and I have never not wanted to see or talk to someone in my entire life...except you" Great way to start off your day, huh? Guess it's time to stand on my own two feet and make my career MY career.

The situation with the in-laws hasn't gotten any better, if anything, it's gotten worse. Not only are they treating me like that toilet bowl of crap I mentioned in my last post, they're treating my fiance' (THEIR OWN CHILD!) the exact same way. There is still stuff in my fiances apartment back in WV, and instead of helping, they've disowned the both of us, and now MY parents are having to clean this apartment out. We're getting DAILY phone calls from them now, telling us we're unreliable, completely irresponsible, all kinds of nasty stuff. I've tried and tried to be nice, but the insults to me are still coming, and NOW they've started to insult my parents who are helping us and I've finally lost it. The worse part of it is after they've spent two solid hours on the phone saying all these nasty things about me, Shelley (my fiance's mother) says "I hope Jen isn't mad at me, because I have nothing against her" and all I can think is "Are you f-ing kidding me? I've just sat here for TWO HOURS listening to you tell me what a piece of shit I am, yeah I'm mad. You may have nothing against Jen, but Jen sure as hell as something against YOU!"

I'm so tired of this. I have no idea what to do about it anymore. I guess the best is just to wait it out

Frustration, and all the crap that goes with it

Sometimes, live just feels like one big toilet of crap. And that's kind of how mine has felt lately. The nightmares are more frequent, the sleep is less and less, the meds are making me sick beyond belief and sometimes the only comfort is my fiance and my dog. Oh, and the PS3.

The soon-to-be in laws are driving me up the f-ing wall, almost literally. I'm crazy, I'm unreliable, I have a weird fungus on my feet (I'm not sure if they know this, but I bet they've said it once or twice)....you name it, and this family has probably said it about me.....but none of it TO me (well, to either of us for that matter) But they're all HAPPY to sit there and smile to my face, and then as SOON as I leave whatever house they're at, let the crucifixtion begin. Stupid stupid people, but I guess it wouldn't be a real engagement if I actually LIKED my in laws, would it?

I feel worse and worse everyday about all of this, certainly not to the point that I'm going to hurt myself or anyone (although I did try to strangle a pillow last night...hmmm I should probably go apologize to it. Oh my God, I'm actually considering apologizing to a pillow....maybe I really am going crazy...no one asked you honey) but still.

Well, one more appointment to go and then I think I'll take good ol' reliable loving Ty to the Bark Park.

Until later I suppose

Biloxi Round 2

How's it going folks? Treatment here...well it could be better. I don't feel as though I've made any progress and am currently fighting the buearacrcy that is the United States Army... we'll see how it goes.

On an up side note, I will be making the trip to Biloxi yet again in a few short weeks. I'm looking forward to the time away from Ft Bragg as well as the opportunity to once again share some laughs with a few friends, as well as help plenty of people who need it. I'll be sure to keep everyone updated.

Home again...but for how long?

So I'm back home, and the more I sit in Ft Bragg, the more restless I become. I talk to guys from my unit almost daily on Facebook, and its frustrating, because here I am, getting ready to take 16 days for Christmas leave, go see my family and spend time with my brand spankin' new fiance' (YES, congratulate me later) and yet, there they are, sitting in the desert, hoping that maybe they'll get a package from their family, friends, wives, husbands, girlfriends, boyfriends, on time. I can't STAND this anymore. So I'm going back. Voluntarily. This time it'll be Afghanistan. I have the opportunity of leaving as soon at Jan 14th, and I think I may take it. Drop out of the treatment, leave my job, and just go. Because lets face it, who needs me here and what good am I sitting in Ft Bragg NC?

Baby, please, forgive me.....

War and the after effects

So I'm home after my tour in Iraq and am currently in Ft Bragg for treatment for PTSD and despression. And while I am happy to see my friends (or at least the few I've seen) and it's nice to be back in the "real world" I miss my unit and my guys terribly. Leaving them behind is one of the hardest things I've ever had to do in my life, but I had to do what was best for me.

Interesting things happen on Ft Bragg though. Take today for instance. I had the opportunity (and I must admit, the pleasure) of meeting one Gov. Sarah Palin. Folks, let me tell you, you will never meet a more personable, kind and likeable person. Not only did she shake my hand, but gave me a great big hug and thanked me for my service. Always appreciated. I have yet to read her new book, but I just may take a look at it.

I apologize for not updating this blog as I should have and I will be happy to post more on what happened in Iraq and my views on this war and how they've changed now that I've been there (and believe me, they have changed) once I feel up to it. For now, I am tired but wanted to let you know I was alive and safe.

Blessings and peace to you my friends and until we meet again.....

Ready to go....I think

Well, the countdown is down to DAYS (15 to be exact) and I'm somewhere between excited beyond belief....and scared shitless. It's an odd road to be at. Luckily it's normal. People (well, most) have been understanding, patient, and loving. Katherine has even given me plenty of advice on stuff to do and not do. Here are my favorite entry's of Katherine's DOs and DON'Ts of surviving a deployment in Iraq:
1) NEVER smile during a sandstorm
2) Chapstick is a good thing, but make sure you wipe it off before you go to the chow hall. Otherwise, you get a mouth full of sand when you take a drink.
3) Always make sure you tie a plastic bag around your boots when you air them out. Keeps the camel spider's out


I'm sure there will be more to come....


Signing out (For now, anyway)...............