Getting tired

So, today, I logged on to my Facebook account, hoping to have an e-mail from my friend in California. I had an e-mail all right, but it wasn't from Katy. It was yet another e-mail from somebody who had searched my name under the US Army network, and sent a message in Arabic, saying how they hated me, I deserved to go to hell, and hopefully I would die. And all I could think was "Are you serious?". Look, people, I understand that most of this country as well as other countries around the world hate the war in Iraq. Guess what? Me too. Here's a newsflash before you send me any other e-mails. I haven't been there. I might go there, sure, but haven't been there yet. I have never killed another person. I'm an Engineer, not infantry. So, how about you leave me alone, or better yet, start your own blog, let everyone know how you feel? Quit sending me fucking messages because I know you send them in Arabic because you figure "The stupid soldier won't be able to read it" Guess what, I can read Arabic. Nice try. Play again soon

Everyone knows I'm in over my head

You know, the other day, I went to my high school's homecoming and was part of the alumni band. More than a part of it, I was in charge of it. I did it because for the last two years when I did, it was fun. This year though, it sucked. None of my friends were there and the one person I had hoped to never see again in my life was. I mean, I sort of knew she was coming ahead of time, and I had talked to her about it over Facebook, and I really thought I could handle it. But the second she showed up, the second I had to see her in person, my composure, calmness and the walls I had built up over the last two years just crumbled. And I was defenseless. And if there's one thing I hate (especially as a soldier) it's feeling helpless. I wanted nothing more than for her to leave, but of course that wasn't going to happen. Jessica had just as much right to be there as I did.

But you know, as much as this bothered me on Friday, now that I think about it on Sunday, was it really that important? And why was I so upset that she came? It was what I wanted.....right? Yes and no. I wanted her to come because I wanted her to see how strong I had become. The only thing I could think of before homecoming was the lyrics to the chorus of that Pink song "So What?" For those of you who don't know it, here it is:
"So what?
I am a rockstar
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you
And guess what?
I'm having more fun
And now that we're done
I'm gonna show you tonight
I'm all right
And you're a tool so
So what?
I am a rockstar
I got my rock moves
And I don't need you tonight"

So here it was. My chance to show her I was so much better off without her. So here she is and I'm all ready to show her. But guess what I found? A strong, happy Jessica, married going to school with her friends surrounding her. And what did she find? A weak Jen, lost, her friends not around her, scared because her future is either going to be very scary or not existant. Maybe I didn't want to prove anything to Jessica. Maybe I just wanted to prove something to myself. But no matter which it is, I failed. Miserably.

Politics, war and wives who just need to stay out of it

So, the other day, I'm watching CNN, minding my own business and Cindy McCain comes on. And then, I heard one of the most horrible thing that I have ever heard. Now, we've all heard some nasty things in this election, I try to ignore most of the insults and nasty things said because hey, that's politics, right? But, as a soldier, I could not help but tune into what Cindy McCain said: In a nutshell, she said that PTSD just didn't exist, that it was the soldier's own fault because they just needed to push past it. And the only thing that was going through my mind at that moment was "What the hell is this woman thinking?" Let me assure you friends, PTSD is very real, I have friends who have. I have friends who are so bad off after coming home that they can't sleep for more than an hour at a time, because they are plagued by nightmares of what they have seen. When they are awake, they drink to forget what they know, most of the times can't even function.
So after getting over my shock, all I could feel was anger. John McCain's son just went to Iraq, and I bet if he comes back with PTSD, all the sudden it would be real.

Folks, sometimes, I just don't know anymore. What has this world come to when instead of trying to treat PTSD, we tell the soldiers, sailors, airmen and Marines that it's all in their head, that they just need to suck it up, drive on?